Welcome! Nuestra Casa Es Su Casa ...Our house is your house

A glimpse into the life of Daniel and Jaynee Lockwood and their 12 precious blessings. Thank you for visiting; we pray that what we share here may always bring glory to our wonderful God and Saviour. May you praise the Lord with us for the great things He has done and continues to do as we serve Him sharing the gospel here in the little town of Cuidad Insurgentes, BCS Mexico. He alone is good and faithful!

Thursday, May 01, 2014

Forever. For always. No matter what.

I said I would try to update here as I felt I could.  So much has happened.  Some of it such stands out in my mind as clear as it happened only a moment ago, and some of it feels like such a blur.  Much must be kept private.  Much I'm pondering in my heart.  Some I may share in time.  For right now, I'm taking it day by day.  Sometimes hour by hour.  Knowing God will give His grace and that is all I need.

Among what have been the hardest, darkest days of my life, I have seen things so precious and so beautiful.  In the midst of pain and uncertainty, during the nights so long and weary, during days where hopeful waves came when maybe it was only a bad dream and it wasn't really happening.  God is there.  As close as He ever is.  Longing to be trusted and loved as He always is.  And His presence has held me so close.  As I see how weak I am, how lacking is my faith, He holds me, comforts me, and let me know He cares.

A dear friend of mine wrote me and said the Lord asked her to do something for the entire month of April...a sacrifice to Him.  As she sought His face, dwelt in His Word and prayed, the Lord impressed upon her that maybe she was standing in the gap for someone else.  And the Lord put me on her heart.  And didn't let me leave her mind.  And she prayed.  And prayed.  Before she even knew what our family was going through or maybe before I even knew, God placed me on her heart and she prayed.  In days where doubts attack like a mighty army seeking to overcome, and I wondered if God even remembered me, she wrote.  And I felt SO loved by my God.  He did remember.  He was there.  He is in control and He cares so much.

The comments, emails, phone calls....when I think of them, my heart melts with the love and care God shows through His people.  I don't deserve His goodness, and I know much of my life (and maybe to some extent still struggle) I feel like I must do more to be loved.  But when I am so weak that I can't offer anything other than brokenness and tears and if it wasn't for a family that needed to be cared for, I would in vain try to get up from my bed, God shows me how much He loves me.

Psalms 143.  When I thought I would die, these words brought life.  It was 3 days after everything happened.   Sleep I longed for in which to escape the pain wouldn't come.  I checked the clock again- 3:43 am.  I walked down the hall and collapsed in my husband's chair.  I thought I should pray, but couldn't.  I saw his Bible and thought I should read, but didn't want to.  I sad there hurting, staring, with the feeling that all I knew had slipped away.  I reached over, opened Daniel's Bible, and started reading.  Psalms 143.

Hear my prayer, O LORD, give ear to my supplications:  in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness.
And enter not into judgment with thy servant:  for in thy sight shall no man living be justified.
For the enemy hath persecuted my soul;  he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead.
Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate.

Yes.  That is how I feel.  Oh, Lord, help.

I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands.

And I began to remember.  I sat there for almost an hour remembering.  10 years ago, we had a yard sale and sold most everything we had.  I remember Timothy and Elijah had a lemonade and cookie stand at the sale.  I remember they sold their toys.  We were going to Mexico where God had called us.  We took our 7 children, left our home, and moved into our travel trailer while we trusted God to bring us to where He'd called us.    I remember the first home he gave us.  A tiny house of 600 square feet that felt like a mansion after living in the 230 sq. ft trailer.  I remembered trying to fit into a land where the I didn't understand the language or culture, where everything seemed so different, wanting so much to be used yet feeling so useless.  I remembered time and time again where we prayed for God's provision and story after story come to my mind of the ways he supplied.  Sweet babies added to our family.  Illnesses, surgeries, trials.  God brought us through them all.  I remembered walking down these dusty roads with our little ones carrying two of them inviting people to come hear God's Word preached.  Sharing with them the good news that Jesus did it all and they could have complete forgiveness and new life by faith in Him.  The job of church planting was so much more than we knew.  Tears, work, joys, trials, rejection, growth, changed lives.   I remembered pulling our travel trailer onto this piece of land.  No drainage, no power, only one water spigot.  Digging ditches to put in utilities, morning sicknesses, wanting to go back home.  But the Lord brought us here and kept us here.  And what seemed to be impossible, He did.  He gave us a home.  He raised up a precious church full of men, women, and children who declare what great things HE has done for them.  Lives so broken and hurting to lives full of joy and freedom.  And I learned the language, and the things that had seemed so different to me, I grew to love.  And my heart began to swell with love.  Deep friendships.  Hearts knit so closely.  And this became my home.  My children growing up here.  This is their home.   Seeing them learn the language (better than mommy!), their sweet friendships, serving the Lord in so many ways together.  And as I remembered, the tears stopped flowing from hurt and began to flow from gratefulness and joy.  God has been so faithful and so good to us!  And rather than the overflowing ache that filled my heart of all I was losing, a flood of thankfulness overcame me for all He had given me.

I stretch fourth my hands unto thee:  my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land.  Selah.

And so many times I have taught my children and the children in our church and the ladies in our church about surrender.  That all we have comes from God and to always live our lives in complete surrender to His will.  And right there I opened my hands, lifted them up to my Lord and told Him that I knew all I had came from Him, and He could have it.  I give it to him.  My life, my husband, my children, my home, all I have, all I do.  It is His.

Hear me speedily, O Lord:  my spirit faileth:  hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear thy loving kindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust:  cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.

I looked out my living room window, and the sun was shining in.  Morning had come.  And the Lord had let me hear his loving kindness.  And when for 3 days I didn't know how to "do this", I now knew. I didn't need to know.  I just needed to trust.  God would show me.  He would lead me.  He would sustain me.  I'm again selling all I have, I don't know when we will leave, where we will live, where Daniel will work, and what will happen.  But I know the One who knows.  And I'd rather have Him and nothing than to have everything without him.

So many prayers have already been answered.  I'll share more later.
So many more prayers being made.  Seemingly impossible needs.  But an unlimited, wonderful God who delights in a broken and contrite heart...that He will not despise.  Sin hurts and has its consequences.  But God's grace reaches farther than our deepest sin.  In the dark, lonely valleys is where there the rich soil lies...and the sweet fruit can grow.

I love the Lord.  And I love the husband He's given me.  Forever.  For Always.  No Matter What.




42 comments:

  1. What precious words. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us. - Sonya

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  2. It will be ok. God knows.

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  3. Jaynee, thank you for posting this! Thank you for your words. God will use you and you husband and your family through all of this. I wish I had your email... but I am sure that you have many many people emailing you right now. Just know that you are not alone in prayer and so many love you. God loves you and has not left you. He is not finished using you or your husband. ♥

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  4. Jaynee, how I love to read your words that reflect your tender heart and devotion to the Lord and your family! You are so right: His grace will reach beyond the deepest sin! He is so good! I continue to pray for all of you knowing that He still has mighty plans for the Lockwood family!

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  5. I prayed for your ministry to Mexico periodically, anyway, but have continued to pray for you and the fam as you're going through this very dark valley. As you stated, sin has natural consequences, but God is gracious and kind, a doesn't "treat us as our sins deserve (Psalm 103:10)." Anyone who is a believer can attest to that experientially. I know that you've written that you don't know what your husband will do for work, but I think he has some very marketable job skills. He is bilingual, which is definitely an asset, and he seems to know construction well. I am praying that God will provide for you.

    I was ruminating on Psalm 40:2 yesterday--"He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure." I hope that God will cause your focus to be on Jesus as you navigate these stormy waters. Undoubtedly, your sons and older daughters may be experiencing anger and excruciating pain through this time. May Christ be more real to you than ever before.

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  6. Jaynee, I've been a long-time reader of your blog and am so sorry you are going through a hard time. But I hope you recognize that even just exploring your feelings and being able to blog about them are the first very important steps toward healing. As with any crisis, you are going to have to take it one moment at a time, allow yourself to be angry (it's okay!), allow yourself to sleep when you need to (also okay), and listen to the people who want to help you, whether you agree with their points of view or not. Listen to your heart, not to what you think your heart is supposed to be saying to you. Big difference. Hugs to you.

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    1. Proverbs 3:5-6- May I trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not unto mine own understanding. In all my ways I want to acknowledge Him and He shall direct my path.

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    2. Sometimes God puts people in our lives to show us His path.

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    3. I'm sorry, but I would be remiss not to respond to Karen and Anonymous (see above and below). Jeremiah says that our hearts deceive us, and the Bible says to follow the commands of Christ and His Word.

      "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9

      I am certain that Jaynee knows what God says, and, by God's grace, is going to be obedient to the edicts of Scripture.

      The world tells us to follow our heart, but the believer's world view is different. When someone does something to me that is malicious, and evil, my heart tells me to exact vengeance. The Bible says to love my enemies--just the opposite of your advice. Certainly, we ask for wisdom, but doing what we feel is to follow bad advice. What I "feel" is irrelevant, because feelings lie.

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    4. Seriously, what did Karen and Anonymous 9:04 say that was so wrong? For every scripture that is shared about forgiveness and reconciling, there are other scriptures that warn us to be careful. The Bible tells us to be careful to not be deceived by the wolf in sheep's clothing. We are also told to know them by their fruits. Yes, we are to love our enemies, but we are also to watch who we spend our time with. Right now Jaynee needs to take care of herself and her children. Daniel and his feelings/pain/remorse/repentance aren't what is important at this time. What is important is that Jaynee needs to realize that God loves Jaynee as she is. She doesn't need to change for anyone - at all. She needs to please God - not you, not me, not Daniel. She needs to lean on God, and not on her own or Daniel's or our understanding of Him. His ways are not our ways. Who do you think allowed Daniel's sin to be revealed? Please allow Jaynee time to heal. She needs it. The children need it. Healing first, reconciling later.

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    5. This is the first anonymous poster. :o)

      I absolutely agree with you that sometimes our hearts lie. That is why we need God. But sometimes we get so wrapped up in the way WE want things to be (and please understand, I'm not saying Jaynee is doing this. I just mean this statement in general) that we don't stop and see what GOD is calling us, on this day, at this time to do. That is why we need to seek the counsel of those wiser than we are as we examine the Bible. See Acts 8:30-31.

      We also need to listen to those who love us and understand that their statements and perspectives are offered in love. Whether we choose to act on them is a matter for prayer and discernment. However, it is judicious to listen to those who have walked ahead of us in faith. Their counsel is not to be taken lightly. Because, as I said, sometimes God puts people in our lives to show us things we may not otherwise see. At least, that has been my experience, fwiw. I hope that makes my statement a bit clearer. :o)

      Lockwoods, we are still praying for you.

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    6. I appreciate everyone's concern. Please know that we are seeking godly counsel with those who know the situation fully and are there to help.

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    7. Jaynee, I am so very, very glad.

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  7. Jaynee,

    I have read your blog for years and have been very intrigued by your unwavering faith. As a mother, I teach my children to follow their "oh oh" instincts. If something feels wrong, go with your instinct. I agree with Karen above and that listening to your heart is a big first step. Listen to what you feel, not what you are supposed to feel. I think about you and your children often and hope for the best for all of you.

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  8. Thank you so much for sharing! What you wrote is so precious and healing. It strengthens my faith just to read it. Praise God for His Word, which brings strength and comfort for whatever trial we face--He is always sufficient! He is always just what we need.
    Katie Johnson

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  9. Still praying for you and your family! It is so wonderful to see God's love flowing through you to your husband. What an example for us all!

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  10. I'm glad you'll still post here as the Lord impresses it upon your heart and I'm so very sorry for everything that's happened. I don't know and I don't need to know. Whatever it is, is no greater than any mistake I've made in the eyes of our Lord and your family are each still brothers and sisters of mine in Christ. Your words are beautiful, your faith is inspiring. Praying for your sweet family, that God will bring beauty from your heartache and ashes and bless y'all.

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  11. Jaynee,

    You are such a sweetheart and your love for God is inspiring. Been praying for you and will continue. May the Lord shine His face upon you ever so brightly during this time of trouble. Keep trusting Him and loving those sweet children. I love you friend. My heart hurts for you.

    Jessica Argon

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  12. How is it that in the depths of your sorrow you encourage me? Blessings to you as you continue to trust and follow God. I had surgery a couple of years ago and while I was recovering read your entire blog. Since you posted about the trouble, I have thought so much about all the sacrifices you have made and all the good that you have done and all the things you have been through since moving there. I do not mean to take sin lightly at all, and yet I hope you are able to see the big picture of so much good done and not feel that it's all been in vain. I am praying for your healing and your peace.

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  13. I appreciate your reminder to look to God for help. "I remember the days of old." I too often think of them without remembering what God has done, but instead think of all the things I wish He had done. I know I have missed the blessings. Thank you for reminding us that in our trials we still see that God is good.

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  14. you are precious! its ok to be angry and confused as well even though you serve the almight God and love Jesus Christ as your personal saviour. Do not dismiss you feelings... You need to address them to fully heal!

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  15. Gracias Jaynee por compartir tus sentimientos que vienen de los mas profundo de tu corazón, sin necesidad de expresar los detalles.
    Hace unos dos meses a tras, mi familia (quien es misionera también) y yo pasamos por una situación muy dificil (es parte de la vida del Cristiano), en mi carne sentí tanta confusión, dolor, tristeza y hasta enojo, pero el Espíritu de Dios me hizo recordar las experiencias tristes y desagradables que paso Job y a la vez, -al igual que tu- recordé las promesas de Dios para mi vida y mi familia, esas promesas las decía en voz alta a Dios, tal vez sonaba como un reclamo hacia El, pero no, era solamente la Fé y la convicción de que mi Señor nunca me dejaría. Te aseguro que nuestro Dios no te abandonará, El esta contigo, El camina contigo, El sufre contigo, solo sigue confiando plenamente el El. Entiendo como te sientes, pues, en tu mente solo se ve obscuro el futuro, pero yo sé que "esas nubes negras" pasaran y volverá a brillar el sol en tu vida y en tu familia.
    Continúa amando a tus hermosos hijos, continúa guiándolos y dales toda la seguridad emocional que necesitan, ya que nuestros hijos también sufren y muchas veces sienten que ellos son el problema, ellos son muy importantes.

    Con cariño,
    Juana Blose

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  16. I need this now myself. Thank you!

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  17. Dear Jaynee, Thank you again for sharing your heart and the comfort of the Scriptures...you are reminding all who read that God's Word is alive and powerful! In every season, God is faithful and true and I pray that as God restores and heals... the wisdom you glean will allow you to continue to minister as He opens doors in the future; many people could be drawn to Jesus; (we are all called to the ministry of reconciliation) and you are living that out in your marriage through your commitment to unconditional love. Continuing prayer for you as you and your family and church go through this very difficult transition.

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  18. Precious Jaynee, please listen to this song. This comforted me and still does during my difficult situation. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GJrIKGqg9I

    "Not for a moment, will He forsake you"

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  19. Oh jaynee my heart goes out to you!!!! May god strengthen you through this time!

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  20. Jaynee, I have read your blog for a long time, but I don't think I've ever commented. I tried to comment when I first read of your situation, but I was just speechless. I am still very inadequate to give you any advice because I've never been in the place you are now. I just felt like telling you I've been praying for you here in Arkansas. I love you.

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  21. What precious encouragement - directly from God's word as well as finding a friend has been praying for you through it all! God is ever faithful -- and gracious to use each of us for His own glory.
    Continued prayers ~

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  22. Praying for you and your family!

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  23. Your beautiful spirit is such an example. I am so encouraged that you and Daniel are working together through this trial. So many times, we give up and let Satan win. Like one comment said, the devil is mean and nasty and he knows how to kick us right to the ground ... but we serve a stronger, more powerful and forgiving God ... Praise the Lord! All sin in equal in God's eyes and His mercy is new every morning .... bless you... wish I could send a hug online ...

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  24. Jayneee, I've not commented on your blog before but have followed it for a few years now--long enough to feel like I know you. I've marveled at how you've managed your big family and I could feel through your blog your love for the Savior and your faith and trust in Him. When you wrote of your recent problems I actually hurt for you and kept pondering in my mind how you might be able to deal with these things. You have been in my prayers.

    This morning as I listened to a gospel sermon from my church via the internet I kept thinking of you and how this is answer to what you are going through (and an answer to me with my problems as well). You kept coming to my mind and I felt impressed to share it. I think you are on this course already but this might strengthen you on the path. You can google the talk and find it--GRATEFUL IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCES by Dieter F. Uchtdorf. Sending Love...Ruthie

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  25. Jaynee, I echo what someone else said above. How is that in the depths of your sorrow you encourage me in mine? And mine is not near as great as yours must be. But still it is a struggle. Yet something you said gave me hope. In the dark, lonely valleys is where there the rich soil lies...and the sweet fruit can grow. Thank you for letting God use you to write these words even in the midst of your pain, for you have encouraged my heart to keep on going for the Lord. I love you, dear sister, and I have been praying for you. Your love for your Savior shines.

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  26. Jaynee, I found your blog YEARS ago through a mutual friend (amy at dandelion seeds) and have been reading and praying and watching your family from afar. My heart Breaks for you tonight (5/8). As a pastor's wife - I know how lonely and challenging life in ministry can be. Please know I am praying for you. I am praying for your marriage. I am praying for your family. Blessings sweet friend, Misty Brown

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  27. I haven't been able to get you out of my mind Jaynee, and these words you typed: "Among what have been the hardest, darkest days of my life, I have seen things so precious and so beautiful. In the midst of pain and uncertainty, during the nights so long and weary, during days where hopeful waves came when maybe it was only a bad dream and it wasn't really happening. God is there. As close as He ever is. Longing to be trusted and loved as He always is. And His presence has held me so close. As I see how weak I am, how lacking is my faith, He holds me, comforts me, and let me know He cares."
    I could have typed those same words, and have been walking that path for the past exactly 3 months as our precious baby died during our 2nd trimester. While I don't understand everything you are walking through - know that you are NOT alone. Praying tonight especially that HIS presence will be close.
    Lovingly, Misty Brown (2nd comment)

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  28. Dear Jaynee,

    As many of us have prayed for you, your children and your husband we would love to have an update on how things are going. How are your children with all this going on? How are your two high school seniors doing with trying to finish school? All of us love to pray specific prayers, do you have a special specific prayer request? I am so sorry you are going through this and yet so thankful you have a God that you can lean on all the time! Hope you have a blessed weekend with sweet fellowship. Damara

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  29. Dear Mrs. Lockwood, I'm so sorry. You have been on my heart, I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you.

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  30. Dear Jaynee,

    Just praying for you all. Praying for God's peace and love to flow to you. He is our friend in all circumstances no matter how tough they are. Thank you for your years of encouragement and letting us visit with your family. I hope that you will feel able to post at times and let us out here know that you are all ok, but for now just know that I am praying.

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  31. Jaynee: I just read this - & I SO appreciate you & your Godly heart! I'm STILL so very discouraged by Daniel's "actions" (& the consequences) - but YOUR your perspective & attitude through all of this really help MY attitude! Still praying for all of you.... Gary (Clements)

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  32. HI!! thinking of you. How are you doing?? :) Prayers from Indiana.

    heidi C.

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  33. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,"says the Lord."Plans for welfare & not for calamity & to give you a future & a hope." I don't mean to downplay the painful grieving process, but for me, when I go through tough trials, it's so important to know I have a future & the Lord's promises for blessings, & there comes a time to forget the past & press on toward our goal..."the prize of the upward call in God in Christ Jesus" Philippians 3:14 Another thing about our most painful trials, we plumb the depths of God"s deepest & most wonderful comforts & fellowship of His sufferings. Great blessings of God to you & your family today! Love & prayers, in Jesus, Cynthia

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  34. Hi Jaynee, just this morning, I was rereading a blog post I had written sometime last year. I don't know why I was reading it. Then later I clicked on your blog to "catch up" with your family. I haven't read in a while, so didn't know about what's been happening in your family lately.... but after reading a little, it reminded me of my own post from last year. Maybe it will be a blessing - http://travelingalaskan.blogspot.com/2013/08/betrayal-pain-grace.html
    I will be praying for your transition, for God's grace, strength and love in your life, for God to be greatly glorified in your life no matter what bad may be there. God is good. With love.

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