Twenty Years

 

20 years ago today, I married my very best friend! We were so young and so "in love" and full of so many hopes and dreams. I was soooo excited that day knowing that we would no longer have to say "good bye" and wait until the next day to see each other.

20 years ago today, I stood before God, my soon to be husband, our families and friends and vowed for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, honor, and cherish till death do us part.

 During the past 20 years there have been soooooo many "better" times. The Lord is so good and gracious and has daily poured out so many of his blessings upon us.
But, like in any marriage, there have been some "worse" times. A married couple walking in the Spirit together is beautiful! A married couple walking after the flesh...whether it's one or the other or both...isn't so beautiful!
There are still a lot of birthdays celebrated today for the young and old alike, but there are not too many anniversaries and the ones that are celebrated hardly make it past the first decade.

 There isn't a whole lot of encouragement for struggling couples to stay together. Marriage vows seem to mean so little. And there are hurting and broken hearts of men, women, and children everywhere. And as our families suffer, our nation suffers.
Satan is a deceiver, a divider, a destroyer. God put man and woman in the garden and said that two become one flesh and that this is VERY GOOD. Satan says it is not good. That it is only good if that man or woman treats me that way I want to be treated and doesn't hurt me too much. And that really, what God said is good, well it would be much better if you were with someone else or by yourself. Satan says it would be better for the children, better for you...it would be so much better to not have to suffer like you have been.

 In 20 years, I have known the sheer utter misery of thinking about following my own desires. Those that seem to be so good and right.
But praise the Lord, in 20 years, I have known the most deepest, richest, wonderful joy of following God's way. I've known the peace that only comes from Him. To forgive and be forgiven. To LOVE! Not the "in love" feeling that I had on my marriage day (although that is still there too) but that deep, amazing love that only God can work in the heart of a couple that are committed to Him and to each other.

 20 years ago , I was 22 years old and woke up in the arms of my 22 year old husband.
Today, I am 42 years old and woke up in the arms of my 42 year old husband.
And it is sooooooooooooooooooo good!!!!

 Today twelve children are giddy with excitement because it's mommy and daddy's anniversary. They gave me hugs, want to know what we are going to do, want to decorate the house, celebrate with us, and it brought tears to my eyes when one of them said, "I can't wait to have what you and daddy have together".
It hasn't been easy, but it's been soooooooooooooo very good!!!!

Not hiding....Healing

Many people have followed your journey, prayed for you, contributed to your vision. I think many people would like an update on how you are really doing and how you are coping with the changes in your life. The thing with Christians is that when things are not "good" they hide that part away thus keeping others from learning how to deal in the rough times. We hide behind a mask and lie to others & our own selves. It really is sad because there is so much to be learned from those who have walked a tough walk.


This in an anonymous comment I received the other day very much like others I have received during the course of the past months.  I'm not sure if they represent how many people are feeling or just a select few.  I haven't responded to them.  Today I would like to reply.

I have always been so very thankful for those who have loved, prayed for, and encouraged our family throughout the years.  True friends are a treasure that far exceeds any material possession.  I'm know there are still many people who think of and pray for our family.  Thank you.
And there are probably many, many people who have wondered or continue to wonder how we are doing.  I know if I were in their shoes, I would too.
Yes, many times people do hide parts that aren't good.  Often, for fear of pain or rejection or numerous other reasons, people portray only what they want others to think about themselves even if it's a far cry from what's truly going on inside.
I know I have been guilty of that many times in my life.
But that is not what I want to do.  And it is not my reason for not updating here.

Only those who have experienced first hand the pain and emotions that one goes through when going through what our family has gone/is going through can truly understand.  Physically, emotionally, spiritually...everything is tried and affected.

I love my God, Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  I love my husband.  I love my children.  And the past year, I have needed to focus entirely on my relationship with the Lord, my marriage, my family, and working through all the pain and issues that needed to be dealt with that healing may come.  It is a very, very hard road.  It is like being on a roller coaster ride with huge dips and turns and dives (only without the thrill/fun) that seems never ending.  Just when your stomach slightly recovers from one loop, another one is about to happen.

I'm not hiding.  I don't want anyone to think I am something I am not.  I am a Christian who loves the Lord and has had to cling to Him and come to know Him like never before.  I am a wife who is working through some incredible hurts.  I am a wife who is working through many sins in her own life that the Lord keeps weeding out.  I am a mom who needs to be there for her children...there to help them adjust to a new home/country, keep them going on school, keep clothes and house clean, tummies fed, and ear open to listen.

Tears, questions, confusion, discouragement,  anger, pain....hope, surrender, faith, obedience, peace.  So much.   And the Lord is carrying us through.
I haven't been hiding.  I've just need to focus my time and energy on what's most needed.  Some days it has felt like just trying to survive.  Wondering if life will ever feel normal again or what normal even is.  Wondering if there will ever be good days.  Wanting to get off this ride. Wanting the healing to be complete.
But it is something you can't rush.
God makes all things beautiful in His time.  We have the Wonderful Counselor.  And He has promised that we will never be alone.  He will walk this journey with us.  And there have been good days. 
As I journey, I have journal-ed, but privately. There are things that I think or feel one day that in time,  I come to see very differently.  There are honest, raw feelings that I need to only share with the Lord or with Daniel or maybe with our pastor or close friend.  It isn't because I want to hide, but because it just isn't the time or place.
Will I ever share more?  If the Lord wants me to someday, I will.  Yes, others are helped when we are open about what we have gone through and how the Lord helped us.  If He wants me to someday, I will.

I hope that helps you understand.  Thank you for praying for us.